Preparing so decisions are not left to family
A general starting point for thinking ahead about funeral and end of life costs, calmly and in your own time.
Mostly about decisions, not arithmetic
Two things get bundled together under this heading, and separating them makes the subject much easier to approach. There is the cost, which is a practical matter, and there are the decisions, which are the part families actually find difficult.
When a family arranges a funeral they make a series of choices in a short window, often within days, while distracted and tired. Many of those choices have no obviously correct answer.
The difficulty is rarely that a family cannot decide. It is that they cannot decide with any confidence that they are doing what the person would have wanted. That uncertainty is the part that gets remembered afterwards.
Planning ahead addresses that directly. Every choice recorded in advance is one a family does not have to make while grieving, and does not have to wonder about later. This page quotes no figures and no averages, because costs vary considerably by region and by the choices made at the time.
The other reason this is worth raising early is timing rather than cost. Some expenses arrive before an estate is settled, which turns the question from what something costs into who covers it in the interval and how. That is the practical difficulty families actually encounter, and it is a reasonable thing to ask about in a general conversation.
None of this needs to be heavy. The subject has a reputation for being morbid, and that reputation is most of what stops people addressing it. In practice a first conversation is short, unhurried, and mostly about establishing what matters to you and what genuinely does not.
Why people raise it
- 01
Most often because they have watched another family go through it without any guidance, and do not want to leave their own in that position.
- 02
Sometimes because a relative raised their own wishes, and it prompted the thought that nothing has been written down on this side of the family.
- 03
Occasionally because of the practical timing question: some costs arrive before an estate is settled, which raises the question of who covers them in the interval and how.
Situations that commonly prompt a conversation
- Having recently helped arrange a funeral for somebody else.
- A relative starting to talk about their own wishes.
- Realising that nobody in the family knows what you would want.
- Being the person who would be expected to arrange things, and wanting to prepare.
- Updating other documents and noticing this has never been covered.
- A family spread across states or countries, where arrangements would involve travel and coordination.
Questions worth thinking through
- 01
What you would want to be handled, and by whom.
- 02
What you would specifically not want, which is often easier to answer.
- 03
Whether your wishes are written down anywhere your family could find them.
- 04
Who would be making arrangements, and what you would rather they not have to work out.
- 05
Whether you are content for the family to choose freely on everything else.
- 06
What conversations you have already had, and which ones are still outstanding.
The information on this website is general and educational. Availability depends on individual circumstances.
How the conversation runs
Every consultation is virtual. There is no travel to arrange and no in person option.
- Step 01
Unhurried by design
This conversation is deliberately slower than the others. There is no reason to cover everything in one sitting.
- Step 02
It starts with what matters to you
Not with figures. What you would want handled, and what you would rather your family did not have to work out.
- Step 03
General concepts, plainly
Explained as they come up, in plain language, with room for questions. Nothing here describes a product.
- Step 04
Nothing is decided
There is no obligation and no expectation that you decide anything during the call or afterwards.
What to have ready
None of this is required and no documents are requested in advance. It simply makes the conversation more useful to you.
- Anything that genuinely matters to you, even if it is only one thing.
- Anything you would specifically not want.
- Who you would want involved in decisions.
- Whether any conversation has already happened with family, and how it went.
- Nothing else. This conversation asks for no documents and no figures.
What makes this easier than expected
- It does not have to be settled in one sitting
- A short first conversation that is explicitly incomplete works better for most people than one long attempt to resolve everything. Returning to the subject calmly twice is considerably easier than deciding it all at once.
- Saying most of it does not matter is useful
- Families frequently over-arrange because nobody feels able to choose the simpler option on somebody else's behalf. Recording that the simpler option is acceptable removes that pressure entirely, and it is often the most valuable thing a person can write down.
- A note does not need legal standing
- For the purposes described here it is not a legal document and does not need to be one. What matters is that it is findable, that it is dated, and that at least one other person knows it exists. Anything with legal effect is a separate question for an attorney.
- Nobody has to be persuaded
- If a relative does not want to discuss the subject, pressing it rarely helps. Recording your own wishes still has value on its own, and it quietly establishes that the subject can be raised in the family at all.
Questions people ask about this
Do I need to have decided everything before a conversation?
No. Most people arrive with one or two things that matter to them and no view on the rest, which is a perfectly workable starting point. Saying that the rest is up to the family is itself useful information.
Why are there no cost figures anywhere on this page?
Because costs vary considerably by region and by the choices made at the time, so a national average is not a useful number for any particular family. This website quotes no figures, averages or statistics of any kind.
What if a relative does not want to discuss it?
That is a legitimate position and pressing it rarely helps. Recording your own wishes still has value, and it establishes that the subject can be discussed in the family at all.
Articles on this subject
- 01How Funeral Cost Planning Can Reduce Difficult Decisions for a FamilyPlanning ahead here is less about cost than about decisions. Every choice made in advance is one a family does not have to make in a difficult week.
- 02A Practical Family Emergency Planning ChecklistMost emergency planning fails on the small things: nobody knows the passwords, nobody knows who to call, and nobody has had the conversation. This checklist covers those.
- 03Organizing Important Financial Information for Your FamilyA single page listing what exists and where it is kept does more for a family than a filing cabinet nobody knows how to open.
Talk it through
Everything on this page is general. A conversation is where it becomes specific to your household. No cost, no obligation, and nothing decided on the call.